2004

SHORT STORY COMPETITION

Local Winner

KNOWING YOU

By Alexandra Wilson

 I bumped into my ex-partner yesterday. I hadn't seen him since we split up over a year ago so as you can imagine it was a strange and unsettling experience.  It was Sunday and I hate Sundays.   On this particular Sunday it was raining, and Frank upstairs was playing  hip-hop music. Frank is a nice person but his choice of music drives me mad.   I decided to treat myself to the papers so that for an hour or two I could forget my own problems and read about everyone else's. I know I sound sad but that's how Sundays make me feel.
 I was wearing my old blue track suit, the one my ex used to hate.  It was raining hard  so I put on one of those see through raincoats, the ones that come in little packets that you buy for emergencies. So there I was looking as though someone had wrapped me in cling film and there was Barney my ex-partner sheltering from the rain under in the door  of  a book shop which hadn't opened yet. .  I could have pretended not to see him. I could have scuttled back to my flat before he pretended not to see me.  But I didn't.  I  was curious so I splashed my way towards him.
Hello Barney.'
Carrie?' he said peering through my layers of plastic wrapping.' My God! Is it really you in there?'
Well it was me when I left home a few minutes ago.'
What are you doing here?'
Getting the Sunday papers.
I thought you hated the Sunday papers!'  
Things change,' I replied.
He blinked and looked at his watch and then up at the sky. It doesn't look like his damn rain is going to let up. Have you got time for a coffee?'
I've got time as long as it's on you. I've come out without any money .'
Some things don't change then,' he said.

The nearest cafe was called The Retro, appropriate for our meeting I thought.  It was full of people in dripping raincoats and smelt of wet dog and steamed milk. We found a table in the far corner next to a plastic  palm tree .
I don't remember this place,' Barney said looking round. What was here before?'
It used to be the laundrette, don't you remember ?'
No,' he said, I don't.'
No,I suppose you wouldn't. Anyway they do good coffee.'
 That's the important thing. So what would you like Carrie. The usual?'
The Usual'.  I'd forgotten how comforting those words are;  the usual' . Those words made my eyes blur unexpectedly. No-one has said the usual' to me for such a long time.  It was like coming home.

I watched him standing at the counter, my ex -partner.  He looked much the same as a year ago,  a bit thinner perhaps but then  he'd always been on the thin side.   I'd say he  looked a bit underfed now though.  And his hair needed cutting, it curled over the collar of his   jacket. That jacket was part of our history. He'd always wanted a black leather jacket and we bought  it   just after we first met.   The jacket had worn well anyway.
 But there was something about him which I  couldn't put my finger on. Then I saw what it was, it was his shoes.   New shoes, post  me' shoes. They were  cheap looking,  shiny brown  lace-ups,with built up heels.  Barney was a  suede slip on type when he was with me. Those shoes wouldn't have got past the front door during my time.   Those shoes made me feel weird, they were  out of character.
 I watched him take his glasses off and wipe them with a handkerchief the way he always did when they got steamed up. He couldn't see a thing without them.  He stood blinking until the girl behind the counter asked him what he wanted.  He put them back on and smiled at her and she said something I couldn't hear and smiled at him.  She was pretty  in a tarty sort of way.  When he returned with the tray he looked more cheerful.
Here we are, two regular cappuccinos,' he said. I didn't think you'd want large.'
Then we sat in silence staring into the  froth. I shook some brown sugar into mine and watched it sink through the foam.
Sugar ! That's new.'
I shrugged.
  And  how are you Carrie?
I'm fine,' I lied stirring my cappuccino. Things are fine.'
And I bet they're keeping you busy at The Press.  I saw they had a big hit with that latest book by  what's his name? George something? .'
George Buckley. Yes, it did do well.'
About trees wasn't it?
That's right.'  
The Press was the publishing company where I used to work. Used to because I'd been made redundant two months ago.
 And how about you Barney?  How's the big  important world of education?'
 Good.' He nodded, Yep, work is o.k. Stressful , too much paper work, not enough hours in the day, but I'm keeping my head above water.'
No change there then!  But what are you doing round these parts anyway? This isn't your usual beat.'
I'm  meeting someone  later. '
Oh, right.' I burnt my mouth on the cappuccino. Why do they make these things so damn hot.
Well.' He leaned towards me,' How have you been apart from work Carrie?'
I hesitated. Should I tell him that things had been lousy? Or did that make me into the victim? I didn't want to be a victim, it's not a glamourous role. On the other hand why shouldn't  he know how bad things had been? After all he was partly responsible. More than partly.
O.K' I said hedging my bets.  Just about. But I should be asking about you. After all you're on my territory.`
He laughed and I saw him  glance at the cigarette butts in the potted palm pot.  .
  It's a bit smart for me over where I live. A bit posh. Lots of  executive  gyms and wine bars if you know what I mean.  It's taken me a while to get used to it. '
You  get used anything in the end,' I said.   My stomach was beginning to tense up.
Yes, yes that is true, you can,' he said slowly and looked at me  over the rim of his coffee cup.   Here we go, I thought.  He's going to come out with something deep and meaningful any minute.  I recognised that look from olden days.  
 It was a long time Carrie wasn't it. Seven years?'
Eight and a half ,' I said in a brisk voice. To be precise.'
'Eight and a half! Really.  That is a long time, longer than I thought.   He stirred his cappuccino and sighed.  I have to admit, it was damn hard being on my own at first. I'd forgotten what it was like to be single  again after so long as a couple.' He laughed. I felt like a damn adolescent when I went on my  first date.    
My stomach went clunk.
You were lucky to get a date,' I said. I mean there are so many more single women around than single men.
Is that a fact?' he frowned.  He had a thin line of froth on his upper lip that I wanted to wipe away.
It's my experience, I'm not sure it's a fact.  Besides where do you meet single men? I don't play golf and I don't go to the  pub. And I certainly don't go to the gym. Apparently that's where all the men hang out.
I don't go to the pub or play golf  either ,' Barney said.' I wouldn't have thought you would Well there's a lot of competition out there, especially at my age. All those biological female time clocks tick tocking away.  Perhaps we should write an article together,' I joked,' how to be single again at forty two.'
I 'm forty four now actually.'
'Tick-tock,' I said but he didn't laugh.
 Can I get you another another coffee ? If you're not in a rush to get back. You're right, it's good coffee. '
I m not in any rush, so why not,' I said gaily. Go mad for once.'
While he was at the counter ordering  I ran my fingers through my hair and wished I'd put on my lipstick.  I couldn't take off my pac-a-mac because he'd see the  track suit and I was beginning to sweat a little.   Looking at the girl behind the counter I decided she was definitely tarty.  And far too young for him. Who was he meeting  anyway? When he came back I smiled at him.
This is really  nice Barney,  I have missed you.'
Really nice,' he agreed. I don't know why we haven't met up before. You should have given me a ring.'
Or you could have given me a ring,' I said.
True.' He took his glasses off and rubbed his hand over his eyes. Actually Carrie since you left things haven't been so easy. In fact they've been damn difficult.'
Since I left?
Yes.'
You were the one who left,' I reminded him.
He put his glasses on again and frowned. I wouldn't put it quite like that Carrie.'
How would you put it? It was you having a thing with that  girl at work, what was her name?'
He laughed. Josey! God I'd forgotten all about her.
That's nice. She was the one who broke us up after eight and a half bloody years and you can hardly remember her name.'
I didn't say that, I just said I'd hadn't  thought about her for a long time. Anyway I wasn't having a thing' with her.  We were just mates. It didn't mean anything. I told you then it didn't mean anything.'
It may not have meant anything to you but it did to me. She liked ringing you up a lot  for just a mate didn't she? Two o'clock in the morning was a favourite time I seem to remember.'
She was going through a bad time with her partner. I think they've split up now.'
 Like us.' I said.
He nodded and we sat without speaking for a bit.
 It wasn't all bad Carrie. I often think of all the good times we had. Do you remember  St. Ives?  I haven't been back since.'
Nor have I. '
That walk to Zennor!'
Cornish pasties.'  
We smiled at each other.
You know Carrie, sometimes I wish,' he began.
His hand was resting near the sugar bowl.  Barney  had nice hands, and his nails were always scrupulously clean. I always appreciated that. You can tell a lot about a man by his hands. I put my hand over his and squeezed it .  
I know,' I said softly.
He looked  at me.
What do you know ?
What do you mean?'
You said, I know' and I'm asking you what you know.
I shrugged and he moved his hand away.
You see Carrie, you think you know, you always think you know, but you don't.'
I only meant that I knew what you were feeling and  ..' I stopped. His mouth was set in a straight line.
But that's just it. You always think you know what I am feeling don't you? But you don't, you only know what you are feeling Carrie and that's different.   For eight and a half bloody years you have been under the illusion that you knew me, but I have to tell you Carrie that  you didn't. You never knew me.Not the real me.
I noticed that the tables on either side of us were  filling up. It must still be raining I thought. The windows were steamed  up.
After you threw me out I  cracked up. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I nearly lost  my job.'
His voice was like the rain drumming in my head. You  haven't got a clue what I went through have you Carrie. He stopped and looked at me.
What you went through Barney? And what about me?  I  suppose you've  forgotten how much the rent is which I now have to pay on my own, and that the roof leaks because the landlord still hasn't got round to mending it probably because I'm a woman on her own, and that I'm too old to have children now and that I've been made redundant .'
You didn't tell me you were made redundant ? Why didn't you tell me? .'
Why? What would you have done about it?  
Tears filled my eyes.  I gulped my coffee and burnt my tongue. Shit' I said.
Barney looked at his watch. Oh hell,' he said,'I've got to go or I'll be late. I don't like leaving you like this,' he said standing up. I'm sorry.'
Sorry for what?'
Sorry that you're not happy .'
 Sorry that I'm past my sell-by-date.'
You're not  past anything Carrie, you should have more confidence in yourself. '
Thanks.' I said.
And there it was. Somehow I had become the victim. He leant down and kissed me on the cheek. He smelt of  imperial leather soap.
 Take care Carrie,' he said. Keep in touch.'
I sat for a few minutes after he'd gone staring at the empty coffee cups.  When I got home Frank was still playing hip- hop and I realised  I'd forgotten the papers.